Day121 - Never a Nightmare

I don't have nightmares - not since i was a kid and was taught how to control them - but last night I had such horrid dreams, not nightmares as such but decidedly unpleasant, filled with violence, antagonism, anger. I'm only glad these sentiments were directed towards me rather than from.

The situations I was put in within these dreams may have appeared nightmarish but I did not fear them - I fear very little in life and that is the key difference between these being nightmares or merely "bad dreams". The very few fears I've encountered - irrational, illogical phobias - I've tackled head on, ever ready to challenge and conquer. In essence I see no reason to fear.

And as when awake, I will defend myself in sleep. But not with wild abandon - there are smarter ways to defend oneself than with physical reactions. I will analyse a situation and have no problem letting an antagonist enjoy a trivial win. The higher ground provides the most beautiful views.

While somewhat of a pacifist, I won't stand for injustice and have been prepared for physical battle, engaging only a couple of times and even then reluctantly so. It's nothing to be proud of, but unfortunately sometimes a situation calls for physical intervention. I'm of the opinion that emotional and verbal conflict can be just as damaging, and I've seen/heard more than my fair share of each. I'm lucky in that at 195cm my physical presence is significant enough to dissuade all but the most persistent provokers.

The last few nights have been filled with the same: restless, uneasy sleeps, and I've been wondering why. I don't watch alot of violence and that which I encounter I handle easily enough, so i don't think it's a byproduct solely of that. I listen to a lot of music but very little of it violent in feel, content or nature, and that which I do listen to, I do so because of the way it makes my heart race not through some malicious desire, typically enjoying the rush briefly before returning to more uplifting & relaxed sounds, which is more akin to who I am.

I've concluded that the stressed individuals I've encountered lately have brought on this state.

The entertainment management company I've been dealing with is headed up by a big bad wolf: a real huffer & puffer - nice enough, but constantly sighs & groans. You can see his staff darken as they absorb the negativity he exudes and try as I may to avoid it, this has filtered through to me: the usually calming presence, smiling, with patience that exceed the limits of most.

My sanctuary this week has been my office base. I've been effectively hiding out here, working remotely as much as possible. Then yesterday evening a temp we have working with us started up with his own version of huffing and puffing. He too is a nice enough guy, and I can easily forgive him for being one of those people who when trying to get a hold of you will call repeatedly every minute until you answer (which I at that point refuse to).

It's a change from the relaxed environment I'm used to. Maybe it's in part due to watching the Corporation & remembering how I've been born into a world headed towards eventual revolution or compliance. Maybe it's the other stresses at play. It's probably a combination but I'm hoping it goes away sooner rather than later.

I enjoy my dayjob, but not two weeks back from a holiday and I need another.

I don't enjoy talking/whinging about it, but I do feel slightly better after purging, hopefully without filtering down some of the source stress to the reader. It should be sufficiently diluted by now =)

Rehearsal tonight should help with the continued exorcism. I'm beginning to miss non-stressed Bobby.

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More mellowness from Brad. Love the bass on this album, so laid back. Just what I need.

Brad - Buttercup

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