Once Bitten...

*** I have resumed re-writing & posting those updates which Google had lost some months back. Once I'm finished with my April "butterflies" project I will unveil my new blog over at Wordpress. *** Much love to all, bobby 2011-09-14

Inspiration, joy, beauty, Oneness, the spark of recognition...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010



Tonight I've been working on an instrumental Stained House track. I haven't programmed drums for months - I'd forgotten how much fun it is, in a brain-tickling, challenging way.

Inspiration, while mostly from different sources lately, is ever-present. I wrote lyrics to 2 songs today & finished the lyrics to another song written on Sunday.

I miss my muse.

Her presence is scarce, but she has filled me with enough inspiration to even still conjure verses from the aether.


Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush - Don't Give Up



I know I shouldn't think of certain things before sleep. I know they will hurt, but I just don't care.

The sweet joy from memory is a flavour I'm driven to return to taste.


Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes

"In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes"



Today was a very difficult day. I think I've found a distraction but it somehow feels so very hollow. Something is tangibly missing.

Much is.


"Putting the pressure on much harder now
To return again and again
Just let the red rain splash you
Let the rain fall on your skin
I come to you defences down
With the trust of a child"

Peter Gabriel - Red Rain

Sunday, June 27, 2010


Some days are a struggle.

When the fire burns from deep within.

The drive to share with one who understands me.

That understanding is rarer than I would've guessed when pondering such things years ago - even with the almost precognitive knowledge I held of that most unique of persons I would meet at this stage of my life. Then again, I didn't know exactly what I was missing.

Still, I would rather have this knowledge that not.

Although I have friends & family who are always within easy reach, there is a huge part of me that remains unfulfilled. This has always been the case, but now I am acutely aware of it. Difficult as it is, I'm grateful for this awareness - I no longer deny this part of myself. Maybe time will bury it again. I hope not.

Right now all I want is to slip away into a co-authored adventure, to dream of joy. Beautiful weekend mornings were made for sharing such things.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I received notification of 2 updated mixes from Europe last night. I downloaded the tracks & have been making the rounds, playing them on various stereos for comparison. Songs may sound fantastic when they're going through a set of flat-response studio monitors but the real test is whether they still sound good when played through the shittiest AM radio-sounding system one can find, and also through headphones - my personal favorite.

The result: mixed. 1 track I'm happy with, the other not so much. So I sent my feedback to the producer for analysis. We've got around a week left to have the tracks mixed - it's going to be tight. Then mastering occurs.

This also means I've not got long to finalize the artwork. I'm glad to say that I've at least finalized the concept.

Recording is a fun & rewarding process, but very intensive - a full day of music is as draining, if not moreso, than a regular job. Now if only I could monetize it to the point where I no longer have a regular job to compare it to.


Ramones - Job That Ate My Brain

Friday, June 25, 2010


We share office space with a few other companies. The other day the girls from the PR firm next door found out it was my birthday - I though I'd gotten away without anyone noticing, but I guess being Facebook friends has it's price. So today they surprised me with gourmet cupcakes & a song, both were very sweet.

I've never been much of a birthday celebrant - I'd actually forgotten all about it until I was queried over the weekend - but this year I was glad to have the little gestures, and the above was heart-warming, especially considering there was no obligation whatsoever for them to have done so.

The Ramones - Happy Birthday

Thursday, June 24, 2010



They were out on a date, on a winter night in Prague, so cold it had them both wearing scarves & heavy jackets, hers was leather. They'd just been to a concert, both buzzing, fulfilled, satisfied, yet energized. It was something they'd both been looking forward to for some time. It was close to 0200. They ended up in the only warm haven still open: a McDonalds restaurant, and a run-down one at that.

A lit cigarette smoldered on the floor. Knowing her distaste for toxic smoke, he stomped it out as she looked at him lovingly, grateful, as if he'd done more than smother a butt - there was a much deeper appreciation there, even if the words were not audible.

With the taste of music in their ears, the drive to continue sharing was strong. He pulled out his laptop & loaded up Peter Gabriel - Here Comes The Flood. In another tab he opened a new song he'd written for her, but she had yet to hear. The 2 songs conflicted, so he paused his own - it would wait - and let the music & poetry flow over them.

"When the flood calls
You have no home, you have no walls
In the thunder crash
You're a thousand minds, within a flash
Don't be afraid to cry at what you see
The actors gone, there's only you and me"

He took a moment to take it all in: at the end of a full day, Europe, the magic hour, sharing music, letting it swarm about them, filling their beings, both receptive & open to the universe.


When he realized it was a dream, he awoke startled, gasping for breath, chest tight, panicked. As if all he wanted was to change the fact that it wasn't real, but powerless, there was no way to do so.

Missing Pieces

I miss my friend.

I've been sick this week. It's as if I've had the flu but I'm not convinced it's more physical than it is emotional.

I'm very picky with relationships, whether friendships or more. High school was a different story - I would befriend everyone, see the good in all. Though a rather Utopian outlook, this lead me into some poor company. I spent a few years as a relative recluse, an almost misanthrope, since refining my criteria for friendship to those who inspire me, those I have a connection with. I have found some very close friends who I have multiple connections with - the more connections we share, the more they mean to me.

3 years ago I found another such friend - but this one was different. There were connections made on more levels than with anyone else I'd encountered before. I had found in her the closest approximation to soul mate that I'd ever known. When I looked at her eyes I saw something in them: the spark of recognition. Kindred spirits in the deepest sense.

We spent a great deal of time in each other's heads, shared things that only we know about each other. To be known so well is very special, but to be understood so profoundly is something amazing.

Due to distance & circumstance our meetings have been limited, but every time we've been in each other's presence the enveloping sensation of Oneness has been tangible, increasing in intensity each time, as the bond deepened, to the point where there was almost a physical connection between us, even when apart.

Within the past 6 months the intensity shifted gear. It was a natural progression, but other factors were in play, and as a result it caused conflict. Now I no longer have that level of contact with my friend. I invested much of myself in this relationship, and with the loss of contact has gone a piece of me.

I know that she looks on this period as a negative one, and possibly with regret. For me that is incredibly saddening, as I experienced some of the greatest moments of my life with her. I don't live life with regrets - every experience is one of growth.

I hope that she never forgets that I have seen her, I understand her, in ways no-one else has before. The same is true in reverse.

This should not be forgotten.

This may not be something she wants to think about or even admit to herself, but those moments of looking in each other's eyes - of looking into each other - were all the confirmation needed.

I miss you so much it makes me physically ill.

^At least even this thought has some beauty in it.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


6 months ago I was 98Kg - around 5Kg above my average for 2009, after a debaucherous couple of weeks consuming xmas abundance.

Today my average is 81Kg, slightly below my ideal BMI (which appears to be fairly accurate for my height 195cm).

I'm around 10% weaker than I was at xmas, but 100% more comfortable in my own skin. I'm approximately the weight I was in high school, but much stronger & toned. I've managed a loss of 1Kg since setting my current goal of 77Kg a week ago. This time I will be shedding weight without muscle atrophy. I never thought I'd be below 88Kg again, and surprized at how at home I am. I've stripped away enough layers so that I can see the outline of the top 4 abdominal muscles. I've always had strong abs, but now my goal is to actually see them with definition. This will be a lifetime first for me.

I've been strength training on & off since high school, and without pause for the last 8-9 years, but yoga has given me a fresh start. Energized & revitalized. I'm in so much more tune with my body. I would recommend it to anyone.

I've not had a major back strain for a decade - thanks to my adoption of daily back extensions. My shortened hamstrings are now alot longer - attempting to extend my legs perpendicular to my body now yields a 165º angled hamstring & calf, rather than 150º. One day I hope to extend the full 180º - I've never been able to keep my legs straight & touch my toes.

For now, I'm happy with the progress I've made. My subsequent knee injuries preclude me from some exercises, but the frequency of pain is reducing.

Health-wise, things are going well.


Ramones - The KKK Took My Baby Away

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


The grey mist lifted somewhat today. 2 theories on this: 1 - I think I'm just drained. I felt like the not-too-serious-but-annoying flu was coming back for round 3. Each time it's started with an earache, so I wasn't too keen on experiencing this again, but this time I've been loading up on vegies so I'm pretending that they'll give me super powers; 2 - I might just be so mixed up that I'm not thinking straight. Either way, I don't have my usual inexhaustible spirit. I miss it.

I recorded more bass tonight before being summoned to defend against the hordes. Left 4 Dead is awesome fun in short bursts. 13 tracks in this project ("Stained House") & I've finished 2 completely. Right now, I'd love a full week to work exclusively on it - my fingers are primed, left-hand tips calloused, right-hand muscles in good shape: quick & durable. My spreadsheet matrix of song vs. drums/bass/gtr/vox/etc is slowly turning from red -> orange -> green. Bass is the first column I see going green - mostly because it's the most fun to play =) Each day when I listen back to the album in it's entirety, with the newest versions in place, I wish I had've spent more time on it. So keen to get it finished.


Had this song on permanent loop today - I really dig the chorus melody. Kinda sad lyrics, fierce like a mistreated dog.

Ramones - Main Man

Monday, June 21, 2010


Subspace was in effect today.

I'm happy to have had some dialogue.

I'm still sapped. Struggling somewhat. In a dark grey haze.

Definitely not myself. Though not entirely surprizing when I feel that a beautiful part of me has been stripped away.

Catching up on all my "Days" posts has killed afew hours.

43 Days and I have not forgotten.

Ramones - I Got Alot To Say


Full day of recording, zombie-slaying & talking things over with friends.

I'm sapped.

Do what you have to do, but all I ask is: don't let that doubt creep in.

Don't disbelieve.

Ramones - Makin Monsters For My Friends


Saturday 19th June 2010

Grateful that you explained things to me.

As I lay down to sleep I thought: my life consists of trying not to think of you. But it's amazingly difficult.

My computer dings - it's not you.

My phone moo's - it's not you.

3 years of conversing, 6 or so of those rather intensely. I know a good thing when I find it.

I spent today laying down bass tracks, killing zombies & trying to remind myself:

Ramones - It's Gonna Be Alright


Friday 18th June 2010

As I laid down to bed last night, I left the light on to read my new book. Before doing so, I thought I would check my only way of seeing how you are: facebook. You had removed me. I figured this means no more contact.

I hope you are okay.

I'm sorry to have come into your life & upset things.

I'm physically shaking.

I've had the flu for the past few days, but this is unrelated.

I fear little in life, but the prospect of being cut out of yours cuts to the centre of fear.

Right now I wish I didn't love you like I do, but common sense is scratching the back of my brain telling me that I wouldn't trade such amazing moments for anything.

Ramones - Poison Heart


Thursday, 17 June 2010 8:06:54 AM

I received a book from her last night.

What a nice thing - a thrill even - to receive a letter, let alone a book =)

The first page mention of the unreliability of the postal service had me laughing, as my earlier letter to her had gone missing in the postal aether.

Lately I've been thinking alot about reading more. I feel as though I'm not feeding my head as much as I'd like. I won't just read any old book - it has to have some significance or enlightenment contained within.

It's nice to hold a book in my hands again.


Ramones - Life's A Gas


Thursday, 17 June 2010 8:08:39 AM

Trying to not notice. It's not working.

Fuck I'm sad =(

Today a guy on bus kept leaning his leg on me, much as I moved away, hey kept touching me. Never been so resistant to touch, but today I understand the concept.

Ramones - Take the Pain Away


Thursday, 17 June 2010 3:00:55 PM

What a difference between yesterday & today.

You want a break from me for a week. To ween yourself off me. I say I understand and I do, but it isn't easy.

0322 dreaming about contact =( Messy, non-linear dreams. Visualizing synapses firing, communication trying to get thru from both sides, but unable to make the connection. Unsettling.


Every facet of life is covered by a Ramones song.

Ramones - I Believe In Miracles


Monday, 14 June 2010 20:29

Nice story this morning.

The sunset looked born of desert.

In between were yoga, music, podcasts, groceries & sleep.

Shower instead of bath.

Rejuvination day.


Monday, 14 June 2010 04:33

Reminded today of what I'm counting from. 35 days ago there was magic in the air. Thinking back to that time, there was no doubt of the joy. Since then, distance & time has tried to usurp, but I've held on that lack of doubt, that "knowing".

Some things you just know.

Day34 - Farewell

Sunday, 13 June 2010 09:28

Early morning goodbye. It took 5mins to separate Bubble from my leg.
It really was an awesome week, especially the last half.

Day33 - Dreamworld

Sunday, 13 June 2010 09:21

What can I say? A nice leisurely wakeup, followed by a lovely day spent in the company of 3 lovely ladies. I feel very privileged.

Day32 - Noosa Heads

Sunday, 13 June 2010 08:52

My favourite day: at Noosa Heads. Absorbing the beautiful setting, watching 2 of my favourite people interact, smile, create.

Icecream included.

I have no pictures yet, so here is a close approximation of what one of the participlants may have looked like.

Day31 - Rest Day

Sunday, 13 June 2010 08:43

My "rest day" (loved every second of it): 0500 wakeup call in Sydney. 0800 flight to Brisbane. Drive to Sunshine Coast & back. Afternoon market (with icecream), followed by sunset on the river. Restaurant for dinner. Close to midnight, awake & enjoying emails. This was a day well spent.

(The accompanying picture of our 30min stop at Mooloolaba beach was enough to pre-empt Seaworld the following day).

Day30 - Home

Sunday, 13 June 2010 08:22

We stayed home for most of today & just enjoyed each other's company - Bubble sketched while I played music. She gave me a comforting hug & kiss when I sang Wine & Tragedy & I subsequently choked up. Maybe that song does sound a little sad after all if a 7yo thinks I need a hug. She explored my room, finding several interesting items to keep her occupied, including a hat I picked up in the gold coast afew years back.

She suits it better than I.

Day29 - Sketching

Monday, 7 June 2010 13:24

Dismayed at her sketches of a guitar & violin for lacking realism, I introduced Bubble to Picasso, specifically Three Musicians, to give her an understanding of surrealism.

The next image was Guernica. Immediately upon viewing she said "whoa!", followed by afew seconds silence, taking it in. Then exclaimed "i know what i'm going to draw!", jumped off my knee & went to sketch.

Inspiration inspires.

Day28 - Powerhouse

Sunday, 6 June 2010 18:12

At the Powerhouse technology museum where we each spent the first 30mins on our colouring in / story projects, before Bubble became obsessed by the robot that dances to music & plays Simon Says & daddy became obsessed by the computer exhibit

Day27 - Blackbird

Sunday, 6 June 2010 15:51

Lunch at the Blackbird cafe in darling harbour. Practicing my eye rolls while Bubble poses. Proving I'm a one-trick pony (or just like to share good times with important people)

Day26 - Lunch

Friday, 4 June 2010 21:17

Treated to lunch by my daughter - her idea. We both love eating subway together & I always remember her particular order: 6" white, roast chicken, cheese, tomato, salt. She was so hungry she bought a second sandwich (pictured & posed for).

Day25 - Arrival

Friday, 4 June 2010 21:08

"Welcome" giftpack from daddy, each item with it's own special meaning: 24 golden coins; princess tissues; a kinder surpize; & the biggest smile I've ever seen when reading the accompanying letter.


Thursday, 3 June 2010 7:20:23 AM

Today I felt an amazing sense of the unary, like our Sun. Walking through the throngs I was completely detached, existing in my own bubble universe that travelled with me, mostly grounded but floating slighty above it. It was surreal and amazing =)

Contemplating communication today, I realized I'm typically quick to admit mistakes or look for mistakes i might've made, or even look for a better way I could've handled things - even if not having done anything necessarily negative in the first place, or if minor or well-intentioned but with adverse results. This is because I know that most similar situations are simple & can be easily fixed once the emotions that restrain are dropped, and since this is the case, why not do so sooner than later, get things sorted & move on. It can be difficult to drop or work through the emotion, but if a clear offer is made to resolve, it should only be embraced. I created a new mini-mantra:

Peace is worth more to me than pride.

It seemed to be the most logical solution.


Tue 2010-06-01 20:00

What is it about 0200?

My dreams were as intense as usual - I felt the sensation of knowing they were to be transcribed as is my way, but something pulled at me as if I had a string attached to my forehead & chest, sitting me bolt upright. Within moments came the moo: the vibration of my phone. It was either going to be a server alert or an email from the nightshift ninja. I was hoping for the exponentially more exciting 2nd possibility.

Sure enough, it was the 2nd. The timing was most excellent. This had happened before, months ago, but I was surprized to see the return. A skeptic would say coincidence, a romantic idealist would say subspace. I prefer the latter: life’s too short to not dream. I understand magic better than I did half a year ago.

We conversed for a period, then the replies dried up as work seeped back in. I had hoped to just crash at this point, but I was so wide awake I didn't know what to do with myself, so I found a philosophy discussion podcast & let that run while I drifted - or at least tried to - back to sleep. The rest of the night was spent in one of 2 states: sweating & almost sleeping; not sweating & not sleeping.

The usual method of sleep induction didn't work for me: in fact these days it only serves to invigorate until the 3rd or 4th time at which point I'm punch-drunk on flames.

In the end I gave up & went into the office early to do a job that didn't really require me to be in the office but I just had to get out of my room for a while.

Summoned back to my lair, I had fun playing, listening to the Air as it whispered. I attained said punch-drunkenness, the last part of which was alot of fun to draw out. I then proceeded to laugh. Alot. My body was tickled, my mind filled, my hunger almost satiated - at least as much as it could be without another body close at hand.

As with other times before, Time had dissolved, so I started my day again with a quick shower, then out the door - strangely, off to have my rear end examined.

It seemed to be the most logical solution.


Tue 2010-06-01 19:17

My audio production & engineering knowledge took a massive step forward in a single moment today.

I'd long wondered why there was a certain amount of latency between recording & playback, which manifests itself in the instruments sounding out of time with the song's tempo, even though played in near perfect synchronization & for the most part maintaining their own tempo.

I have an external soundcard which is supposed to compensate for this latency, however I learned that some devices mis-report the latency values depending on the software interpreting the signals; this is where a delay offset function is required to "zero" the tempos.

I discovered this after deciding to re-record a bass track that sounded noticeably out of synch. It still sounded out, even though I _knew_ I was playing it dead on. After finding & applying the correct offset for the fresh recording, I was amazed by the resultant difference: it was fucking tight.

The not-so-good realization was that I would have to re-record most, if not all, of the guitar & bass parts I'd already spent months laying down. This thought dismayed me initially, compelling me to quit for the night & contemplate the consequences of my enlightenment.

Fortunately, the vocals are well in synch already - having to re-do them might've done me in =p

Thinking about it now, I don't mind so much. At least it's just mindless playing, whereas the composition, mixing & production (ie the complex parts) are done & dusted. I'm so glad I made detailed notes, used appropriate track labels & saved presets as I went. Sometimes it pays to be anal.

It seemed to be the most logical solution.

The Days

These "Days" entries count up from a pinnacle moment in my life. I started over a month ago, I figured I'd start my blog by posting them all.

Today is a black cloud day. Quite rare for me, so I'm hoping for some self-therapy.

Not quite sure who I'm talking to. Possibly myself.

Still, I'm in good company.

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