Day143 - Sweet Moisture

The air has a delicious taste to it tonight - the afterglow of brief hail.

It's been a day of new conversations, singing and smiles.

These are the parts that I choose to recall.

-

Days of the New - Die Born

"Make it worth my while".

-

Day142 - Bass, Solo

In picking the last 2 songs for our initial 6-song live set I surreptitiously helped choose 2 which I play bass on... very cunning. One of which wherein I achieved the unbelievable: a bass solo in lieu of guitar!

It's pretty self-indulgent and only those who truly love the feel of warm bass slapping against their skin might appreciate it, but I don't care too much - it's great fun watching my fingers wander around the fretboard making runs, plus there's a chorus over the top so those easily bored can have a little sing along instead of eyes glazing over. The tracks are The Cure and Aotearoa.

It also splits the set nicely for me, as the rest of the songs I play guitar on. This band is about instrument swapping, so there are no set roles as such, though we each have our core strengths. A longer term goal is to throw a piano into the mix.

For the live set we've ditched one of the songs from the EP, Way of Change and replaced it with one written for and played one of our members' wedding. I'm sure there's a video of it somewhere... here's a pic:

Always Always, damn I love that song. I love how it was written: I challenged one of my co-writers to sit down with me with the intention of creating the song specifically for the occasion, no less than a week out. He was dubious, thinking he couldn't work that way - just force it out - to which I told him to hell with that attitude, of course we can do it. And we did.

It's this resolve that has served me well over the years, and is improving with age - the knowledge that I can do anything I set my mind to, and do at least a competent job at it, if not excel. This is why I see no boundaries in some areas of life - not just music - I know that if I want something then I am capable of making it work. I know it. This makes life so exciting, never boring, never ending. The only challenge is time; putting it to proper use. Everyone has the same 24 hours in the day, and pretty much all of the lovely people that I know get to choose or have already chosen how they spend theirs, whether by intention or debt.

So we ended up writing a very strong, pretty, song, in fact one of our best. I can't wait until we have our EP back from production. Though taste is subjective, I know there's bound to be a few people out there who'll enjoy it, and maybe - just maybe - I'll meet more of those very special ones who have the Spark of Recognition.

It's exciting to savour this part of the journey - on track to start gigging within the next month, just in time for the sun to come out and play.

-

I've loved this song for as long as I can remember.

Bruce Springsteen - I'm on Fire

-

Day141 - Where Is My Mind?

Boy the mind plays some strange tricks sometimes.

It occasionally needs a right old kick in the brain.

Or the less violent alternative: a reminder from an old friend to just chill the fuck out.

So I ask myself...

Where Is My Mind?

-

Day140 - Child's Play

Hammer House Of Mystery And Suspense - Child's Play

This is one of the earliest movies I recall watching.

For some reason I awoke at 0400, sat bolt upright and netsearched it, happily finding the video on youtube within moments.

As a 7 or 8 year old, the mystery kept me bewildered, but the end really blew my mind...

from the horizontal

(a blogthis entry)

I took this picture laying on my back on my balcony. I've spent many hours staring at this patch of sky and its surrounds, often engrossed in an audio book or album, or chatting into the wee hours, but all the while contemplating life, being, and absorbing the ephemeral.

-

Day139 - Calling All Brisbanites

...or Brislanders? It looks like I'm headed up that way in a month or so, looking for recommendations for accommodation near the Riverstage or Southbank. Nothing fancy, as it'll just be me and my backpack for the night.

I'm not all that familiar with Brisbane so am happy to take recommendations on hotels/motels (and any other travel tips) from those that know the city, rather than going with whoever has the best-designed website.

The occasion: a chance to hear the beautiful voice of Brian Wilson live!

A friend's coming up from the Gold Coast for the show, so it should be a blast. Not to forget the rest of the bill that evening: America (Ventura Highway *sigh*), Peter Frampton & Chicago. I'm expecting to see some amazing hands, with very little filler.

The music may pre-date me, but therein lies some of the most amazing moments of captured timelessness one can ever hear.

-

The Wilson brothers have voices which speak to me on that unseen level.

The Beach Boys - God Only Knows

This mix is a gem:

The Beach Boys - God Only Knows (a capella)

I surprised myself this year by singing backing vocals in a similar register to some of the higher "ooh oohs" in the track above, in one of my band's tunes Fine Lines. Playing back the master recordings with only vocals provides much amusement, but it's amazing how a silly-sounding squeak - otherwise completely unnatural for a grown man to utter - can enhance the aural landscape; fill in the empty spaces with such colour and vibrance.

-

Day138 - Long Days, Short Nights

I jumped on MSN the other night for the first time in ages. It was like a mini reunion - friends I hadn't spoken with for a while.

A few nights running now I've been up quite late chatting, enjoying whimsicals, deep & meaningfuls, the cracking of jokes. Although I'm a bit scattered come this morning, I was reminded of how much I've missed it.

The MSN friends list is but a subset of my Facebook list, and even though I use FB chat more, its functionality is subpar plus I like to refer to conversation logs if I'm looking for something in particular. Sometimes it's interesting going back through chat logs, reminiscing.

There was a time when I would be logged in 24/7 via computer or mobile, and if awake - which is often the case around 0200 - happy to chat. 0200 chats are notoriously filled with dreamy, aethereal words & imagery - a nice halfway point between imagination and reality, and fantastic when you have someone to share them with: someone who's on the same wavelength.

Not so much these days - I'm more focused on other distractions, or at least try to be.

Learning the art of denial.

-

Mad Season - I'm Above

"
I'm above
Over you I'm standing
Above
Claiming unconditional love
Above
"

-

Day137 - 2 Cuts From Above

I couldn't get "All Alone" out of my head this morning. I had to listen to it a dozen times to try and purge it, but of course that only reinforced the pattern.

I awoke with an image of a friend in mind, as if they needed me. I almost resisted the urge to email, then afterwards almost sent an apology for disturbing them in the first instance. I'm glad I didn't send either. Later in the day I had reinforcement. Not that I needed it - I have no doubts since the last one blew the last remaining few out of the Aether. Not that it makes things right, not that the Air still holds doubt, but sometimes you just have to live with things being to the contrary of how you feel.

As part of my rediscovery of the album "Above", I found again November Hotel: such a well-constructed ride through an aural soundscape. Bright colours against total black. Highlights in an otherwise difficult period.

Both tracks are mostly instrumental, the absence of words fits well with my day: not entirely of this earth.

Mad Season - All Alone

Mad Season - November Hotel

-

Day136 - Mining A New Epoch

Spread before me was a proud mountain, part of an expansive range but solitary in frame, capped in white, flanked by blue, in a location somewhere amidst the Alps, possibly the Dolomites.

I had a view to the core, to mine it, but without destructive malintent. As I scanned the area in front of me, I honed in on one specific area as if I was using instinct purely to divine the very right place to which I would find the deposit in search of. It felt as if I was mining for someone or something rather than just mineral wealth, but surprisingly unconfusingly, a picture of the mountain's internals came through clearly, as I saw right through the outer layers of grey rock, and beheld: gems. Diamonds in fact. Colourless. Pure. They appeared to be already cut. Maybe I was seeing their potential.

I'm not sure if I've ever physically visited this mountain or if it exists solely in the Aether. Either way I felt at home in its presence.

Instinctively I knew that to get to the transparent stones meant hard work, but I did not flinch at the thought. I'm not sure who or what it was that was held in this image, but I knew I would reach them eventually, no matter what.

(From an 0200 dream)

This was the soundtrack.

-

Day135 - Looking for Spring

...or the bounce in my step that I was hoping to wake to when I drifted off to sleep last night. Instead today started in a grey haze. I had to fight to get back to my usual energetic and bouncy self. Warmth helped slightly. Yoga helped more. But I was still without that potential energy, ready, poised for release.

I wondered if it was related to the Dean Koontz book I've picked up again recently - Lightning - which contains a few chapters focusing on a young girl being predated upon. I found this section unnerving, unfortunate reading before bed but I'm sticking with it as the novel has been highly recommended.

Fortunately before I'd even finished my morning mocha and companion protein bar I found a couple of inspired blog posts that completely lifted my spirits.

I find myself looking forward to this morning ritual - on a Monday especially when infectious inspiration is all the more appreciated, and although a day ahead of myself, today felt just like a Monday.

By late morning I was back to good. Still missing something, but for now the gaps are filled.

When I first started blogging I figured it would be a form of therapy for me and while I love dedicating time to writing - in fact I enjoy it as much as creating music - I've found that I equally enjoy devouring those gems of blogs where the inspiration just jumps off the screen at the reader, begging for return visits.

Every so often one will bring a tear to my eye and I can't but look upon this as a positive experience.

-

The image of the hang glider in the accompanying video stuck with me for years. I remember where I was when I first saw it, can put myself back in that moment. The song then spoke to me on a level that drew an empathetic sadness.

The combination of crisply produced bright and warm tones, with Layne Staley blanketing the instruments in shimmering velvet, lifts me, reinforcing my will.

"Above" was very much a rehab album.

Mad Season - River Of Deceit

-

Day134 - Bed Day

Damn it was a nice way to spend a Monday: slept in, awoke, looked at the time then promptly fell back to sleep. Much rest was needed from the full on weekend and in preparation for my main siesta later on.

Read, chatted, cooked, watched, gamed, relaxed.

Fed the brain, stimulated the mind, rejuvenated the body.

I didn't leave the house all day. The cabin fever should be enough to add a nice bounce to my step as I spring out of bed tomorrow.

But for now, an early night with some recommended reading.

-

What a voice, what a couple:

Les Paul & Mary Ford - How High the Moon

-

Day133 - Overdrive

Fresh and still buzzing from a weekend trip to NZ, I caught up with loads of friends, barely slept, and generally packed a lot in - including being served breakfast in bed! Lucky boy. I was "on" pretty much the entire time and went into the usual Energized Mode, squeezing the most out of every moment. A post-flight bath didn't cure the buzz, which means dreams will be interesting tonight.

I'm glad I took tomorrow off.

-

Djuma Soundsystem - Les Djinns (Trentemoller Remix)

Fits well right now.

2:40

-

Day132 - High Five

Bubble and I finished reading our first novel today... in person!

We started reading Rowan of Rin in August, the week of her eighth birthday and continued over the phone during the course of a couple of months. In Auckland for the weekend, I brought the book with me and we drew near to the end of the story.

As we completed the last chapter she asked coyly, "is it finished?". When I confirmed so she leaned over and gave me a high-five.

I shared in a sense of completion that I know will stay with her for a long time, if not forever.

-

Melody, lyrics, flow, beat, tempo, production. This track has it all.

Daniel Bedingfield - Friday

-

Day131 - Fries

I'm very strict with my food intake, but I also recognize the glory that is the almighty french fry. Food abstinence makes the breaking of said that much more enjoyable. Like drinking diet cola for months then consuming a real coke, a french fry cooked well is a talisman of golden perfection.

As such I have developed a weekly fast food ritual: I visit the local Oporto most Friday nights after drinks at the work bar if I'm headed home that night, and order a double or triple grilled chicken breast burger with avocado, tomato and pineapple, fries with lemon herb dipping sauce and a coke zero. Oporto have reasonable portions, no "bucket" sizes, even when ordering the large.

This meal and my daily mochas are probably the main reason I don't have a 6-pack, but I'm okay with that, at least for the time being.

The guys & girls who work there quite like me; proof in that they're always smiling, friendly, and they remember my order, often completing it before I finish. Most importantly, they never mess it up.

Jamie Oliver and his table full of golden-fried foods almost put me off other artery-clogging delicacies, but fries remain.

I remind myself that it could be worse.

Much worse.

Easily.

-

One of my favourite songs.

Linkin Park - Breaking The Habit

-

Day130 - Emirates

I love flying Emirates. At 195cm I appreciate the fantastic legroom and comfy seats. The food is excellent, service always polite and entertainment as good as it gets.

I always fly with a laptop but when with Emirates I never need take it out of stowage, unless I'm in the mood for a movie - in-flights are understandably censored, I prefer films in their original format, but typically I'll watch documentaries.

The doco on Frank Lloyd Wright provoked a renewed interest in architecture and particularly this famous residence;

The 7 Wonders of the Solar System taught me The Sun's diameter is about 400 times the Moon's and approximately the same ratio exists in distance between Earth and the Sun and the Moon and the Sun, respectively. Because of this, the 2 celestial bodies appear to be the same size, which is unique in the Solar System and gives us fantastic eclipses;

I was surprized to learn that by age 40 Michael Hill, Jeweller had not yet launched his own business and set it up in opposition to his uncle's family store in which he was denied a large enough stake;

and the profile on the rise & fall of Detroit was fascinating in that it displayed how wide the gap is between rich & poor in the US and how rampant, unruly and unaccountable corporations are.

My favourite however was on Les Paul - the man who invented overdubbing, amongst other things. Having been injured in a car accident, Les had to have his arm set in place, so he opted for the perfect angle for which he could play guitar. This to me is the epitome of cool. I felt such a kinship with the host of musicians who were interviewed listening to I Really Don't Want To Know - reactions of tears, smiles, wistfulness, far away eyes.

Les Paul & Mary Ford - I Really Don't Want To Know and South

"
How many arms have held you
And hated to let you go
How many, oh how many, I wonder
But I really don't want, I don't want to know

How many lips have kissed you
And set, set your soul aglow, yes they did
How many, oh how many, I wonder, yes I do
But I really don't want to know

So always make, make me wonder
And always make, make me guess
And even, you know even if I ask you
Oh darling oh don't you, don't confess

Just let it, let it remain your secret
Oh for darling, darling I love you so
No wonder, yeah no wonder, I wonder
Mmm, 'cause I really don't want, I don't want to know
"

-

Day129 - Words

I enjoyed watching Richard Dawkins' TED talk on Militant Atheism. I've long thought he was a bit gung-ho about his position, but I'm enlightened a bit further now as to why. I then downloaded a copy of The God Delusion for some light reading before bedtime.

I like the idea that the reason there is a lack of an atheist lobby as such, is that it's difficult to herd atheists, due to their free-thinking nature.

I also learned that Dawkins coined the term "meme". I brought up this piece of trivia at dinner tonight and was stared at with blank looks. It reminded me of high school when I had to simplify my language so my friends would understand me. I enjoy playing with simplistic language, but I typically don't "dumb down" anymore - let 'em look it up, I say - but still sometimes I feel as if I'm better off talking to myself.

And that I do.

-

Days of the New - Whimsical

"
I can see the orange sky in front of me
I can see things you'll never see
People say it's all a fucking dream
But I can say words you couldn't speak

Is it me
can you believe
You'll never live the world I live
Is it me
It is only me
I can only live a world to live

Break away from you
shattered beliefs
Detaching from my body
desperate in grief
I have changed the world in front of me
One against all
I'm starving this world

Is it me
do you want me
You think you can have me
Say you love me
you want me
I'm saving my money
'cause I don't pay to breathe

I'm not afraid to live/I'm not afraid to die
I can only give what I see inside
You can only take what I give of me
You can only win when I'm not afraid to lose

Subjected to you mother of nature/limited to the colour of your eyes
Drained by the one you call your lover/She don't care if you live or die
Well I don't have a problem/I evolved/Sometimes there's always problems

I stand above
"

-

Day128 - Woman in the Window

I love the Doors. They have strong associations with various people, places, yet I don't listen to them enough. The Oliver Stone film is one of my favourites. I relish the chance of introducing others to it, especially friends and lovers, as if they'll somehow understand me better by watching it.

Which reminds me - I must re-read Aldous Huxley at some point.

I've been obsessing about this track lately:

Satellite Party ft Jim Morrison - Woman in the Window

It makes me want to climb Mandelbrot Mountain, singing the chorus all the way.

For comparison, the original recording:

Jim Morrison - Woman In The Window

I love how there is a ready made song in just a voice speaking intonated words.

-

Day127 - Piano Won The Day

A relatively relaxing day, inspired to music. I'm glad, as lately there has been some internal debate over how to spend my evenings; in inspiration or escapism. Long days can eat into motivation to inspiration. I'm glad I'm back to my usual inspired self.

I've been spending the occasional hour or so gaming with a group of friends that I've played online games with for years - some who I've known for over a decade, and some who I hadn't met in person until a dinner a couple of years back, but had come to know quite well via various virtual worlds. I met up with the group again while I was in NZ last month for a live table-top gaming session and we have plans to do so again on next trip. Since then, I've joined most of the group in yet another virtual world, but it's not about the games as much as the community. Myself and one friend who ran the games night - and has been known mostly to me as his online avatar "Iconoclastix" - have great conversations, ranging from discussing Robert Anton Wilson and Naomi Klein, to dancing naked to Marvin Gaye. He's a really joyful character, very intelligent and worldly, and a true defender. He won't let anyone push him or his friends around. It's a pleasure to know people like him and to be part of a great bunch.

For me, online gaming is like an action movie, but instead of being a passive experience, you are one of the participants, helping push the storyline. Suspension of disbelief is so much easier in an immersive environment, especially amongst several thousand others.

*epiphany* I just realized that it is online gaming that has made it so difficult for me to sit through an entire movie. I get antsy if I'm still for too long... I need to be participating, active or creating. And I love that I am this way. I am abundant energy.

However... even though I've had many fun adventures, I just can't invest the time into gaming that I used to - the creative spark forbids me from neglecting it for long. As much as I love the social aspect, I literally get restless and can't sit there wasting away hours. Much the same with TV - I can't just watch any old rubbish. It must either enlighten or inspire, or both. Most of my entertainment is taken in the form of audio books, lectures and documentaries: philosophy, science, language, poetry. Music is in there, and in spades, but it is more than entertainment to me.

Tonight after my nightly phone call, I had the choice of free time, and I was driven to music. I ran through vocals for our emerging setlist, worked on a couple of new guitar parts, then settled in at the piano.

For some reason my guitar playing improves after a stint at the piano - I can pull off intricacies that I otherwise almost get. In fact, my hands and fingers become doubly tactile after playing, no matter the activity.

I'm completely at ease and comfortable on guitar, but I'm no piano master ...yet. One of my musical goals is to perform live one of the songs I've written on piano. Maybe even bring tears of appreciation and understanding to an audience member's eyes... I live for those moments.

I can't wait.

-

Speaking of Marvin Gaye, here's a track that narrowly missed out on inclusion in my Top7 songs of all time. Absolutely love it. I could drink this song endlessly.

Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing

-

Day126 - Skins

*no spoilers* I just finished season 4 of Skins. It was hard going - as if they had a writer change or rushed parts of the story - but I'm glad I stuck with it, I feel satisfied with the ending. The tone of the show took a bit to get used to, the characters seemed so empty, but slowly revealed the true force behind the show (and everything): Love.

Of course, therein is served several courses of mindfuck, of which I've found myself well-versed and relating to - in fact disturbingly so. But the core remains, rather than the remains of the core.

The cast is scrapped every 2 seasons so this was the finale for the second generation. A year is a long time to wait between seasons, but better slow, honed art than fast, greedy filler.

Another great aspect to the show is the soundtrack - it is continually strong and well considered. Here's one of the tracks Skins introduced me to - fantastic song, used to great effect in one of the earliest episodes:

Asobi Seksu - Thursday

-

Day125 - The OST, 7(+3)

Inspired by this post over at The Wiggins Tribe, I've been thinking about my favourite songs of all time.

You'd think it'd be an easy task to pick seven as I've been maintaining a "funeral" playlist for years now containing most of my favourite songs, but no such luck. I call the playlist "Bobby... the OST" (Original Soundtrack). Each song contained within speaks to my core in one way or another.

Here are my top 7(+3), in no particular order:

Queensryche - Silent Lucidity
I loved this song long before I realised it's about dream control, from which moment we were bound.

Satellite Party - Awesome
At first it felt as though Perry Farrell just wasn't trying with the lyrics, especially the chorus, but upon subsequent listens I one day got it. Succinct. Pure beauty.

Days of the New - Seasons Change
If there is one artist I regard as the yard-stick for my own work, Travis Meeks is he. This is the template.

Steve Vai - For The Love Of God
The guitar sings as it picks you up and carries you along like a magic carpet. This is as close to orgasm as one can experience solely by listening.

John Denver - Rocky Mountain High
The lyrics really blow me away. A life change, documented in song - enlightened, attaining of a new level of consciousness. This is one of the most beautiful occurrences in life. This is a song I could live in.

3 Doors Down - Away From The Sun
If Rocky Mountain High is about unity, Oneness, this is the polar opposite. Important for contrast, appreciation, and still amazing.

Gavin Rossdale - Adrenaline
This song has provided me with a huge amount of motivation over the years.
Inspirational moment: 2:12.

Pink Floyd - One Slip
A reminder to be sure of one's actions before committing to them. A reminder that regrets lead nowhere. Make every potential negative a positive.

Eagles - One Of These Nights
This song transports me, interlaced with my earliest memories yet at the same time I identify strongly with the lyrics as an adult. I think my hippie parents may have been smoking something wicked in the next room while playing this when I was an infant.

Lenny Kravitz - Again
My kind of love song.

-

Word of mouth is the best medium for music distribution.

Enjoy.

-

Day124 - Stones

I awoke this morning from a dream wherein I was aboard a plane, smuggling precious stones, secreted away in the back of my throat.

They were beautiful: uncut, rounded deep purples. Similar in look and feel to one my daughter had recently given me.

The flight was international, full of everyday people and yet I was without fear of discovery, safe in the knowledge that I would divulge my cargo as, when and to whom I needed to.

I noted that it was without a modicum of guilt, as I knew I was not doing anything wrong according to my own moral code. Interesting in that guilt is rarely ever even considered.

But I had a purpose.

-

Muse - Uprising

I especially enjoy ethical messages when performed in such a compelling fashion.

Lyrics.

-

Day123 - Deep n Stabby

I awoke at 0600 then back out to it. The extra hour or so was delicious.

I dreamt of a virus that had infected a global computer cluster, and it was requested of me to fly to Bolivia to join a crack team to fix the issue.

It was quite exciting - like an old-style movie trailer. I half expected the Deep-Voice Guy to start narrating.

-

Followup blood tests today. I always make the mistake of making fast friends with the blood technicians and end up chatting while they're stabbing me, distracting them in the process. I felt the needle pierce me all the way along the length of my forearm, up through my palm and into my middle finger.

I've made some substantial dietary changes this year, so it's just a check up to ensure I'm on the right track.

Regular blood checkups were recommended to me on good advice, I now pass this advice along to others.

-

Awesome cover of a great Stones song:

Soundgarden - Stray Cat Blues

-

Day122 - Chiba

When I came to I found myself at a house party with a group of strangers. I wasn't sure how I had ended up there, possibly having met through contacts in the music industry.

There was something not quite right about the setting: the house appeared to also double as a sales point for weed, containing many varieties - all the colours of the marijuana rainbow - like a Dutch coffee shop. But this wasn't the problem.

I was discussing this with one of the other partygoers, a regular to this house and part of the owner's circle of friends. He mentioned the different strains and their respective effects. Ever the adventurer, I was curious as to how it all worked. That was until he went on to say that most of the attendees don't appreciate the variety, they only sell it to support their smack habits. It was at that moment that I realised he too was smacked out.

Not. My. Scene.

I was immediately looking for ways to extract myself from the situation.

(from a 0630 dream)

Not a horrid or uncomfortable dream - I was in control throughout - but it highlights something I'm always wary of, especially around other musicians: the abuse of addictive and soul-destroying substances. I distance myself from such types.

I'm all for the expanding of consciousness in safe environments, and within limits, but escapism does not appeal to me. Life is far too beautiful.

Speaking of which...

Nikki Sixx - Life Is Beautiful

-

Day121 - Never a Nightmare

I don't have nightmares - not since i was a kid and was taught how to control them - but last night I had such horrid dreams, not nightmares as such but decidedly unpleasant, filled with violence, antagonism, anger. I'm only glad these sentiments were directed towards me rather than from.

The situations I was put in within these dreams may have appeared nightmarish but I did not fear them - I fear very little in life and that is the key difference between these being nightmares or merely "bad dreams". The very few fears I've encountered - irrational, illogical phobias - I've tackled head on, ever ready to challenge and conquer. In essence I see no reason to fear.

And as when awake, I will defend myself in sleep. But not with wild abandon - there are smarter ways to defend oneself than with physical reactions. I will analyse a situation and have no problem letting an antagonist enjoy a trivial win. The higher ground provides the most beautiful views.

While somewhat of a pacifist, I won't stand for injustice and have been prepared for physical battle, engaging only a couple of times and even then reluctantly so. It's nothing to be proud of, but unfortunately sometimes a situation calls for physical intervention. I'm of the opinion that emotional and verbal conflict can be just as damaging, and I've seen/heard more than my fair share of each. I'm lucky in that at 195cm my physical presence is significant enough to dissuade all but the most persistent provokers.

The last few nights have been filled with the same: restless, uneasy sleeps, and I've been wondering why. I don't watch alot of violence and that which I encounter I handle easily enough, so i don't think it's a byproduct solely of that. I listen to a lot of music but very little of it violent in feel, content or nature, and that which I do listen to, I do so because of the way it makes my heart race not through some malicious desire, typically enjoying the rush briefly before returning to more uplifting & relaxed sounds, which is more akin to who I am.

I've concluded that the stressed individuals I've encountered lately have brought on this state.

The entertainment management company I've been dealing with is headed up by a big bad wolf: a real huffer & puffer - nice enough, but constantly sighs & groans. You can see his staff darken as they absorb the negativity he exudes and try as I may to avoid it, this has filtered through to me: the usually calming presence, smiling, with patience that exceed the limits of most.

My sanctuary this week has been my office base. I've been effectively hiding out here, working remotely as much as possible. Then yesterday evening a temp we have working with us started up with his own version of huffing and puffing. He too is a nice enough guy, and I can easily forgive him for being one of those people who when trying to get a hold of you will call repeatedly every minute until you answer (which I at that point refuse to).

It's a change from the relaxed environment I'm used to. Maybe it's in part due to watching the Corporation & remembering how I've been born into a world headed towards eventual revolution or compliance. Maybe it's the other stresses at play. It's probably a combination but I'm hoping it goes away sooner rather than later.

I enjoy my dayjob, but not two weeks back from a holiday and I need another.

I don't enjoy talking/whinging about it, but I do feel slightly better after purging, hopefully without filtering down some of the source stress to the reader. It should be sufficiently diluted by now =)

Rehearsal tonight should help with the continued exorcism. I'm beginning to miss non-stressed Bobby.

-

More mellowness from Brad. Love the bass on this album, so laid back. Just what I need.

Brad - Buttercup

-

Day120 - Twilight

Wiped, I hit bed tonight at 1930, awaking just before midnight restless enough to re-watch an updated version of the fascinating documentary The Corporation. I can't recommend this film enough, especially to parents who allow their kids to watch commercial television. The producers have re-released it as a free download.

It made a nice follow-up after having just watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.

Both will make you angry, but the good kind of angry: at injustice, spurring positive change.

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Brad - 20th Century

Stone Gossard (Pearl Jam) does an amazing job with this side-project along with the beautiful Shawn Smith on vocals. I bought the album "Shame" on a whim - the cover featured a person who looked just like a friend of mine - and wow did it pay off.

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Day119 - Pictures of Paris

Today's siesta was long, deep and discombobulating coming out of it. Beforehand I meditated for longer than usual, slipping into adventure and travel. I have so many stories come to mind when I'm in this state, it's often difficult to choose to write them instead of laying back and enjoying.

Christine over at Just Travelin' Through takes some amazing photos. The link takes you to her latest from Paris. Pure inspiration, and fuel for more meditative adventures.

I love this work by Félicien Rops.

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Mother Love Bone - Stargazer

A pretty enough song for the most part, but I could listen from 3:20 over and over.

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Day118 - Hands

When I first started playing guitar I would push until I drew blood, and sometimes beyond. I love the way my fingers feel after punishing them for hours on end, especially playing bass. I play guitar mostly with a pick but the bass is the reverse: all fingers. Caressed and tickled. Often the tips are tender the next day, painful, but I don't get the same arthritic ache with bass that I do after playing guitar.

The calloused skin of my thumb and index finger still blisters occasionally. I like the feel of having rough, well-used palms and fingertips, yet such softness on the converse.

I love watching my wrists and forearms during play - the shades of light dancing over skin along with the music.

My hands are large and strong, fingers long and tactile. I watch them run all over the fretboard in mathematical patterns that make so much sense to me.

I sometimes disassociate during play and just watch, entertained. I love this dualism.

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An excellent rehearsal today. We ran through around a dozen songs, working on each, selecting candidates for the live set, followed by dinner at our usual restaurant. I've almost caught up on blog updates since the week off chased by the week from hell. I have a compulsion to write. It's in my blood. Whether it's songs, poetry or words to myself. I feel better for getting it out. Released.

Every day should be lived at least half as well.

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Mother Love Bone - Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns

"Talking to my altar
Say life is what you make it
And if you make it death
well rest your soul away"

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Creation

From inside the bedroom on a darkened day charged with static, through the window we watched the charcoal storm clouds rolling in, thick & fast. We felt the time was right, we knew it.

Packing only ourselves into the car we headed for the greenery of trees & fields, the embracing arms of surrounding ranges, holding each other's hands as we drove in beautiful silence, absorbing this extended moment, aware of its importance as a pinnacle in each other's lives. Destiny refusing denial any longer.

We found the spot - a place neither of us been to before - parked and out, breathing, tasting the moisture on the air, and jumped the fence. No turn-styles here, as this was not a place meant for casual visitors, but adventurers of the earth, children of the sun, paragons of Aether and Air, such as we.

Walking alive across expansive fields, flanked by forests, ringed by mountains, with the rain beginning to fall more intensely, only serving to build that which bubbles within us, and we two already drenched, each glistening warmth, conduits for prana, we found the epicentre of the surroundings, turned to face and pressed our mouths together, breathing each other in, reminding once more of the enrapturing softness, comfort, peace that each other provides, all but unintentionally, and completely naturally.

On a mission together. A culmination.

Reminding ourselves how electric the extra-corporeal touch of each other is, unlike no other, in-tune and wordless. Our raiment sodden, removed, until exposed, both such beautiful beings, as we'd been born: to the earth, from the dust of stars.

Seated, touching skin to the earth and facing each other, your full weight in my lap. Interlaced in deep. Timeless in urgency. An exorcism of emotion. A milking of body. An osmosis of souls.

My chest doubled, expansive, as if it were the first breath I'd ever taken - and in a way it was. I looked upon you as your head tilted back, eyes closed. Ever amazed by you; the one, drawing those lashes open, golden furnaces bearing down on azure, locked in gaze.

And then: The Most Beautiful Moment unimaginable.

Like seeing in colour for the very first time.

Both tangibly shocked, in coupling, but ecstatically so. Such unique beauty, intense and almost but not unwieldy. Neither having felt _anything_ quite like it before.

A new magnitude, fresh, renewing.

An intensity on a whole other level.

Free to be joyous.

To see the Gleam of Oneness.

To know the Oneness of the Gleam.

(from an 1130 dream)

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To See Through Each Other's Eyes - Addendum

I siesta'd today. Not to escape the heat, as the day was mild, rain sprinkling, cars sluicing past. Quite comfortable - just the environment to let myself drift.

And drift I did.

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This time into an open field.

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Later that day I dreamed of someone, then much older and necessarily a part of my life if only on the periphery, but removed somewhat and physically distant. There was resentment towards me, a lack of understanding, but contrarily I understood that person and understood why they felt that way towards me.

I then turned to you - you were right next to me. I was aware that this was a glimpse into the future and curious as I am, I wanted to explore the moment, but when i tried to focus on you to see how you appeared now having aged, I couldn't see your face. All I saw was a brilliant white light emanating from your entire being. I've dreamt of you in this way before, but now you were as beautiful as you were in the past - in fact brighter, more amazing to gaze upon. A white so bright, our Sun would pale in comparison.

(addendum to this)

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To See Through Each Other's Eyes

It was on the tail end of a dream when he looked at me and told me these things. I was taken aback - a large part of me became scared, nervous, unsure, anxious. Not of him, not of what he'd said, but of the uncertainty it all held.

I could see my reflection in him, but more than this - I could see through his eyes.

He had an assured way about him, confident in the things that I hadn't found a firm footing with.

He told me everything would be alright. I gave my trust to him and in an eternal instant of bundled time, we saw these things came to pass, and it was all right.

And I could feel him smiling, behind his big blue eyes.

Things were finally as they were meant to be.

(from a 0730 dream)

Addendum (1130) - I had another dream just now. I'm hesitant to post it here as it has shaken me to my foundations. I'll leave it in drafts until I've thought about it some more. It was one of the most beautiful dreams I've ever had.

The perfect prelude to this afternoon & evening's songwriting session. I sense magic.

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Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes

(One of the few covers that improves upon the original.)

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Day117 - Broken Dragon Teeth

Today started well: breakfast, yoga, music, followed by an excellent workout, then into the office to collect a couple of items and consume a post-workout sub.

I was expecting a quick onsite, then back to the office for an early couple of drinks with colleagues.

I didn't arrive at my client until 1300. Sure there was an emergency, sure they weren't happy, but after a hellish week I just had to put everything on hold & take care of me that morning, before I broke beyond repair. After all, if I'm not in good shape first, I'll be useless to everyone second.

Beforehand I'd bought a mocha from the 7/11 and wandered vaguely towards my destination. The lid was ill-fitting and coffee spilt everywhere as I walked. This kicked off what turned out to be a long and tense day.

This particular client manages several entertainers, primarily show hosts & comedians. Names that apparently every Australian with a TV would know, but most of which I'm oblivious to. It's a stressful business, but the levels in that office were thick enough to require waders. I still don't understand how it helps a situation by complaining about it every 10mins - while it's already being worked on - and then asking for status updates which take 5mins to explain and are not even understood. I had 5 days worth of this. Multiply that by 3 stressed Bettys and there you have me: having reached the point of no longer caring, zoning out & humming to myself. Still polite, still working away, but indifferent.

I made it back to the office for drinks just as the crowds were thinning, but instead of joining in I retreated to my computer & started to catch up on unfinished blog entries from while I was away last week.

And I just knocked over my dragon incense holder, breaking off it's teeth.

All I can think of now is that I could really do with a long, full, sensuous body massage.

While the below is playing?

Yes please.

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Mother Love Bone - Gentle Groove

"Come dance with me in my room
You can hold me hands, yeah
I'm gonna be your boyfriend
And you can call me names
And nothing's gonna change the way I feel for my love
And nobody's gonna slow my gentle groove"

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On Her Arrival

Mother Love Bone - Man of Golden Words

"Wanna show you something like
The joy inside my heart
Seems I've been living in the temple of the dog
Where would I live, if I were a man of golden words?
And would I live, at all?
Words and music, my only tools
Communication

And on her arrival, I will set free the birds
It's a pretty time of year, when the mountains sing out loud
Tell me, Mr. Golden Words, how's about the world?
Tell me can you tell me at all? yeah
Words and music, my only tools
Communication

Let's fall in love with music
The driving force of our livings
The only international language
Divine glory, the expression
The knees bow, the tongue confesses
The lord of lords, the king of kings
The king of kings

Words and music - my only tools
Communication"

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Day116 - By The End

...of tomorrow I'll have billed a double week. So much for easing back into it after a week off.

I'm shattered mentally, emotionally, physically.

Like the yoga junkie I am, I've kept up the rites, but my body is craving that additional sweet punishing stimulation, so I've put everything on hold tomorrow morning to hit the gym.

Today was so full on I only made time to eat protein bars with water. I can hear the distant tut-tuts of my nutritionally-minded friends, and to be fair, I treat my body well 99% of the time - it tells me what it wants, what it needs. Maybe it's the yoga, maybe it's something in the Air. Whatever it is, I'm so much more in tune with myself this year, as if I've taken a step or two forwards, upwards.

In any case, it's happier now after one of my killer stir-fries. I'm all preparatorily carbed up and gunning for the gym... if I don't sleep in, that is - which is a distinct possibility.

I sense another impending slow collapse tonight, just as the one before, which was spent half-listening to Robert Anton Wilson lectures, sitting up occasionally to note a phrase or comment, but mostly laid back, driftng on a soft cushion of Aether, and then quickly to sleep, thinking of beauty, because I know that beauty is out there, smiling at this thought.

Day115 - Bare

I broke today amidst pure beauty.

Bottled conversations loosed, waged war on my eyes, shades obscuring the reflection, catching rivulets before they leaked out, containing my secret as I wandered the city.

I must have emptied my stores, for I am spent. In deficit I need to unwind, but fear a collapse will pre-empt a slow relaxation of body & mind.

And what of tomorrow? All energy spent in forcing thought through fingers, so I have no plan, will play it by ear, and switch up the positives & negatives.

I saw pure beauty amidst the breakage.

awake

What is it that pulled me from sleep, yanking me awake like strings on my subconscious?

There is something.

Again, that feeling that things are not quite as they should be - that fate is being fought when it ought not to be. I feel poised, ready, waiting for inevitability.

I know the difference between this and mere wishful thinking. It would simplify and resolve too many difficult questions if it were just that, but it is not, it is so much more. More than black & white. More than circumstances. More than the fear of disappointment.

More than recognition.

This is golden: the following of one's true heart, wherein this feels right.

I feel as though I am on the crystaline edge of a razor so fine if it weren't for the perfect balance of gravity I could fall either way, at the will of the wind.

And that I am.