Day147 - The Third

Another wedding - the 3rd of 3 siblings, this time on the Sunday of a long weekend. I had a fantastic time but wow did it fly by! I was just starting to find my groove when the driver called to leave.

Marriage in the modern age continues to fascinate me. I understand the concept of coupling, but the permanency - or more specifically, the intention of permanency until death - is where I struggle with it.

The ideal of this really is lovely, and the romanticism arouses in me all that is beautiful about life and love, but I have seen far too many friends and family go through such heartbreaking and spirit-eroding trials through a sense of duty or loyalty, in an attempt to make something work that if meant to be, I believe should not take such huge efforts. Some would say this type of relationship by its very nature should require work - maybe I'm applying my own ideals to this ideal: a super-ideal? I don't think it's far-fetched.

It's interestingly humorous to think that in my late teens I was of the mind where I wanted to marry my then girlfriend and high school sweetheart - my "one and only" - primarily through romantic idealism and naivety of youth - but by no means any lack of love - something I've never been short on. In my 20's I was prepared to marry my long-term partner and mother of my child, if only to make her happy, and somewhere in between there was another who wanted me to marry her, to sweep her up and take her away like some knight on a white horse.

Tempted as I was, there were elements fundamental to my core that would not have been fulfilled, and only a matter of time before I would either need to nurture those or have them wither, and me along with it. I have never been unfaithful in a relationship, but I have damn near come close. I understand the mindset and so glad that I do, as I hold no ill judgement towards those that have done so - even those that have done so to me. To the extent that I am happy for one of my ex-lovers in particular that she found that connection which was missing from our bond, even if the way she went about it caused much needless stress along the way - I applaud her for following her heart.

Currently I'm of the mind where I would commit, but not entrap another through making a promise that may become untenable, and not for an "easy out" - in a loving relationship I don't think such a thing exists - but for the freedom of growth. I would hope for growth together, in the same direction - and I know with one who shares a true mutual understanding at the very core, that this would have the greatest chance of succeeding, and with amazing results but I realize that personal growth is exactly that: personal and potentially outside of the subset of coupling. One of my life mantras is: "you never know". This works in both the positive and negative sense, but both equally valid.

I often use the analogy of vines growing up a trellis - a couple can be pulled together, entwined and deeply so, and as with vines, people grow, and sometimes growth in different directions is a natural occurence - to force growth together is not.

I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I'd followed through on any of the potential marriages. Come ten, twenty, thirty years later, being held together by a promise made a lifetime before is surely one of the most difficult potential quandaries to encounter. Of course, I would wish for all to be well, but in so many couples all is not. I'm lucky that in this I need not consider the reactions of judgement of my extended family, as I know they would be supportive of me no matter what, and frankly if they weren't then that would be their problem to deal with, not mine, but I know this is not the case for everyone. Throw children into the mix and the challenge becomes exponential. I should know - I stayed longer than I should have for the sake of providing my daughter with a 2-parent family. My father did the same, but that's a whole other story. I would do things differently a second time around. This makes me a retroactive-hypocrite based on past action, but only with the knowledge of hindsight - I'm glad to have changed, and changed for the wiser.

I know now that I couldn't be with someone who didn't see the world through very similar eyes, someone who did not understand me, not just as a person but the real me beyond that - the no holds barred, unfiltered self. I wasn't as acutely aware of this when I was 18.

I was with the mother of my child for close to 7 years - there were many beautiful times, and those are memories that I reflect upon fondly, but growth took us in different directions - those things that brought us together initially were there to some degree but there was growth in other areas on both sides which was pulling at the bond. I'm proud to say that I hold no ill towards her, or any of my old flames for that matter - that just isn't my style.

To this end marriage seems to serve as a restrictive measure rather than a freeing one, when I believe a coupling should be the latter: freedom in potential, raising exponentially. When asked when would I marry, or why have I not yet, I reply that I haven't found a convincing reason to. Maybe this will change. Maybe I'll meet a reason who fulfils all the criteria that I'm so sure of now. I wish nothing but positivity for those who have found their soulmates. The last thing I ever want to be is closed-minded and who knows in which direction I will grow, after all, you never know.

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A Perfect Circle - Orestes

"Metaphor for a missing moment
Pull me in to your perfect circle

One womb
One shame
One resolve

Liberate this will
To release us all"

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