Day111 - Loss of Muse

111 is binary for 7, one of my favourite numbers.

I'd been putting off this post for a while. It's not something I enjoy thinking about but I'm sure it's healthy to do so rather than to ignore or bury it.

By far and away 2010 has been the best year of my life:
-I'm in the best physical shape that I've ever been in, thanks in large part to the wonder of yoga and finally learning exactly what my temple demands of me;
-I've long considered myself a competent songwriter but even so, this year I've written some of my best work ever, with my bandmates volunteering comments to this effect and noting my associated invigorated spirit, vitality, and joy in life. Surely, a major change has taken place within me;
-I found and explored a connection with one who would become my Muse, and which blew my entire being apart and reformed it into a new, more beautiful and enlightened shape, never to be the same again, and so very glad of this fact. I am and will be eternally grateful to her for inspiring me to such heights.
-I've long been a relaxed person, abhorring personal drama, avoiding needless stress, but this year I've taken an even greater step towards what I feel is a higher state of enlightened of mind. I figure by the time I reach 80 I'll be a kindly village elder. Maybe sooner but I'm not halfway yet.

Along with such ecstatic highs, one of the toughest things I've had to deal with, has been the loss of said Muse. The reasons are chronicled elsewhere in this blog but suffice it to say, Fate sometimes plays cruel jokes on it's subjects. Amongst this, and to this day, there is always the thought of each others' smiles. This can only fill each with joy, and it's this joy that must be held onto, as a sweet-tasting reminder of when the expression of such was not forbidden.

I was fortunate enough to be able to play some of the songs I'd written for my Muse, directly in front of her, in an evening that had some magical moments and I will remember forever. I will remember her tears as I sung of pure love, of inspired joy, and of how life-changing this person has been to me. Even now, this warms my soul.

There is also much frustration: that the fires of creativity are poised, ready, but held back on both sides. But things must take their course and nothing is without reason and stimulus for growth.

I know there are others out there - those that share the Spark of Recognition - but such a rare being it is that when you meet one, you want to hold on to each other forever, for who knows if any of the other Kindreds will ever make an appearance in your life, and to see such an opportunity and not pursue it is almost a crime against the cosmos.

I love having known the feeling of Complete Right - knowing the path, the way everything should be, according to instinct and thought. This is in no way a superiority, it is purely a knowing.

The band is currently working through our back catalogue, dividing tracks into those that are appropriate for playing live and those that instead require a soft couch, pillows and a decent stereo. I will be proud to include any of these songs in either collection, even if I'm no longer able to share them with the subject.

But the inspiration and creativity wasn't limited to music - I'd written stories - we had written stories, poetry, created words, jokes and silliness, our own lexicon of glorious ridiculousness, shared some of our deepest secrets, shared such intense smiles just upon looking at each other, devoured each others' voices, letting them consume and enjoying the wonder in the world that we see through such unique, yet similar eyes. Binary stars.

I still dream. I still daydream. I still ponder. Torture myself by thinking about the unrealized potential that two nuclear furnaces could transform and generate into such amazing creations. If only the floodgates were opened, I have a hundred plans, a hundred desires for sharing creativity, merging and channeling it into shared output. I know it would be exponentially greater than the sum of its parts.

It makes me simultaneously smile, laugh and stream tears to think of what I can see so clearly. Not an imagining. Not over-exuberance borne of emotion. Not a dream. Like the visible iceberg, the majority of this I dare not spill onto the screen. I am not to breathe a word unless given the signal. To be experienced it must be accepted. But for now, and quite possibly forever, I'll take a deep breath and continue to hold my tongue.

I wonder if the inspirational fire will fade. It has been months and it still has not, even though connection have been stretched. I guess this is true of any true muse - forever inspiring. When I make such friendships I make them for life, but this is more.

There is consolation in the beauty created during this period. I have reserves from then to draw on if I choose to and am never without other sources, but none thus far have ever glowed so intensely, with just the right spectrum colours that my eyes respond to.

Rehearsal was canceled today due in part to one of our members having an operation on his finger, so I slept a good portion of the day away, catching up, and still unable to shake the feeling I picked up in NZ that things aren't right, aren't the way they should be. But they are this way through choice, and while perhaps not the same choices I would make, I accept this is how things are wanted to be.

All above being said... I would wish this sort of experience upon anyone, and would relive it in a heartbeat.

For this is living.

-

Days Of The New - Days In Our Life

"
I said that I want to
It's not what you say it's all in what you do
Nothing has the values of life, I said it changes
changes - unlike any other way
changes yeah
These are the days in our lives - yeah
It's time for changes
These are the years left behind - yeah
It's time for a change

I said that I want to
Dead as I want, it's not for me to choose
I said that I want to but my mind changes

Don't stare at the old view
Tell me what you can do
Get with the times
Time for changes

So tell me this is true
Should I believe in you
Tell me what you're saying
Tell me what you said
"

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