Day53

20100701

I broke today.

Another sleepless night trying to deal with the reduction to occasional friend from something much more, but my subconscious just wasn't having it.

2 emails went out just after 0400: the first an attempt at conveying my thoughts & feelings, the second a love letter, containing a list of things I realize and that she might too one day. The love letter was also somewhat of a farewell - it ended on a note that was very tough for me to write, stating that I could no longer continue with the current communication level, which had become every few days, and even then very closed off in nature. I tried over the previous week to adapt. I tried to instigate meaningful - or at least inspirational - conversation, but it was not reciprocated openly, and that is difficult to deal with, especially since one of the things I enjoyed most was the open conversation.

The failing of email communication was proven yet again, as the second missive was misinterpreted as an ultimatum. It was not a choice forced upon another, but rather a pure hope on my part, and a choice made with much sadness. I like being open with her. I'm still not sure if she understands, but I did my best to convey what a phone call or in-person chat would've taken care of with a great deal more ease.

These emails were some of the most difficult to write. I didn't want to write them at all.

-

0800 A very unpleasant dream wherein you received my emails & pretended not to care. It was completely unlike you. I awoke feeling like I'd snapped my neck or slept upside-down.

Disjointed.